How to encourage a child without over-estimating him? Keys to building confidence
Every school vacation, we take stock of our children's schoolwork and shower them with compliments! It's a time when we try to encourage our children's efforts. But how can we do this without falling into the trap of overly general compliments or those focused solely on results?
In this article, find out why and how to encourage your children in a constructive and positive way, to foster their motivation, autonomy and development.
Why is it important to encourage a child in ways other than academic performance?
From an early age, many children are valued for their grades or good behavior. And we parents tend to reproduce this model. Yet several neuroscience studies have shown that certain types of praise can hinder autonomy and even undermine motivation.
So it's essential to distinguish between complimenting a child and encouraging them on what they actually do, not on what they "are".
Encouraging a child boosts his brain... literally!
Firstly, recent research has shown a link between parental encouragement and brain development, particularly of thehippocampus - a key area for memory, learning and stress management.
A study carried out on children aged 7 to 10 showed that a supportive environment could develop the hippocampus by more than 10%, compared with a critical or unsupportive environment.
In other words, encouraging a child in a non-judgmental, caring way has a real impact on his or her mental health and cognitive abilities.
Compliments or encouragement: what's the real difference?
What's more, according to pediatrician Catherine Gueguen, author of Happy to learn at schoolthe conventional compliments (such as "you're smart") make children dependent on the gaze of others. The opposite is true, encouragement develops intrinsic intrinsic motivationbased on effort and self-knowledge.
Example:
Don't do: "You're good at maths" → evaluation of the person
Do: "I'm proud of your perseverance on this math problem" → appreciation of effort
For encourage a child it's better to emphasize their actions, their progress, their commitment... rather than judge them positively.
And when you consider that an English study shows that there is one compliment for every sixteen negative remarks in the home, we understand the importance of acting differently!
How to encourage a child with effective compliments?
It's important to remember that encouraging a child doesn't mean showering them with praise. For it to work, a good compliment must be :
- sincerely
- descriptive rather than evaluative
- anchored in the present moment
- effort- or intention-oriented
Here are some concrete benefits of well-formulated compliments:
- Strengthening the emotional bond
- Show the child what you appreciate in his behavior
- Developing self-confidence
- Encouraging reciprocity and emotional expression
Examples of compliments that really encourage
💬 "I liked the way you colored your drawing, especially the choice of colors."
💬 "I'm proud of you, you persevered even though it wasn't easy."
💬 "Thank you for helping me tidy up the kitchen, it was nice to do it together."
The idea is to describe what you observeThis makes the message more authentic and more impactful.
How can you help your child give good compliments too?
Once you have integrated this approach, you can help your children to formulate their own compliments. This is a valuable social skill, which develops their empathy, their ability to observe, to name their emotions and to value others.
Suggest a game: paying a compliment to a family member, school or friend.
Put them in a role-playing situation.
Give them concrete examples to reproduce.
Role-playing compliments
Situation: You're on your way home from the hairdresser.
Don't: Polite compliment: "You're beautiful."
Do: Emotional compliment: "I like your hairstyle, I think it suits you very well!"
This type of exercise helps your child associate emotion and verbal expressionwhile creating positive interactions within the family.
Encouraging a child: a simple act with great effect
In conclusion, encouraging a child in a fair and benevolent manner allows him to :
- Building self-esteem
- Strengthen your cognitive skills
- Communicating emotions more effectively
- Contribute to a more harmonious family atmosphere
Finally, let's not forget that we parentsdeserve compliments too! Encouragement is an exchange, a dynamic of mutual trust and recognition.
As Molière said:
"The bottom of our heart, in our speeches, shows itself; let our feelings never mask themselves, under vain compliments."
Weekend challenge: Put it into practice!
Objective: To give your children two descriptive compliments over the weekend.
And if you feel comfortable... offer to give them one too!
Solenne Bocquillon-Le Goaziou,
Founder of Soft Kids and mother of 3 super kids!
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